Saturday, 5 December 2015

Chelsea 0 Bournemouth 1

The top story in tomorrow's 'papers should have been Man City dropping three points so embarrassingly to a Stoke side Chelsea had been so chastised for losing to earlier on this season. Man Utd's boring 0-0 draw should have earnt the second highest scathing reviews, just as Chelsea did when we were rebuked for being boring. Instead, my beloved club will be top of the pile again for deservedly failing to even gain a point against a side which has fewer home fans than we used to take to aways.

Jose continues to pick players who play consistently poorly. The last few kicks of both the first and second halves exemplified two of our worst performers in Fabregas (who bizarrely chose a through ball that went straight out for a goal kick when he was in the six yard box) and Ivanovic (an attempt at a shot from 40 yards out towards the end of the match which nearly hit the corner flag). We understand that players have to be given a chance - we are not thick - and sometimes a player has the odd bad match but come on Jose... you have nothing to lose now so drop these guys.

In the box we are utterly clueless. Rahman. What the f**k are you doing in my Chelsea squad? That thing on the end of your leg is a foot. That thing on the end of your teammates' necks is called a head. Programme your brain so that your foot understands that the ball has to lift more than one centimetre off the ground in order to connect with a player's forehead - even if you have the misfortune to only have players who are 5 foot 8 to aim for. Or even worse, diddymen like Oscar who appear to have never gone down the gym apart from using the sauna. What have our scouts been paid to get such utter drivel into our squad? This isn’t strengthening it – we have become weaker!

Jose. When it comes to your training sessions please could you include the following drills:

1. The person who tries to stop a goal is called a "goalkeeper". He is allowed to catch the ball with his hands. I know this rule is unfair. But in order to stop this from happening instruct your players to try and stand in front of the aforementioned player (he usually wears number 1 and has a different coloured shirt which should make him easy to spot) when taking set pieces. This will make it more difficult for him to catch the ball and more likely for us to score a goal.

2. When spending all that energy trying to score, please instruct your attackers to understand that sometimes the ball may go to what we in England call the “near post". Please tell one of your attackers to take a gamble and towards this "near post" area and try to score.

3. If the ball is actually crossed more than 1cm above the ground it has a better chance of reaching an area in England we call the “far post". Please tell another attacker to run towards this area - and preferably one who has some height in order to do what we in England call "scoring a goal".

4. We have a rule in England (used by many nations) called "offside". If many players are in an offside position and the ball is kicked in their direction, the referee will stop the game and award a free-kick to the opposition. Please could they practice running back from these "offside" positions as quickly as their petite arses can go so that we can try to "score a goal".

This was supposed to be our easy run. Our players appear to be treating it as their easy run too. It felt such a drab performance that for the first time this season I could have snoozed the first half away. It was more exciting watching the stewards in the Shed Upper trying to stop a supporter from creating some atmosphere by blowing his trumpet (glad to see they have their priorities) than the actual match.

Leicester away is coming up and looks a daunting prospect. This season's league performances could not have come at a worse time... just when our peers are performing woefully too. We have the talent in the squad. Many who have this talent have not shown it this season. It is time to give others a chance. If we go out of the European Cup this season, it is unfortunate that for the first time ever I will call for our manager to go... having been in tears when he was fired the first time. Because if he cannot see the obvious problems in our play and players who should be left in the stands (and not even deserve a place on the bench) then he should not be our manager.


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