Thursday, 23 July 2015

New season predictions 2015/2016!

Man U will win most of their opening games. The media will gush at how fantastic they are and point two fingers at us for not signing so many "big names". They will then fail in Europe again and fade away towards the end of the season finishing 3rd/4th. Replica "jersey sales" will do well.

Man City will be solid and then lose a few games against small fry as they always assume they are superior to everyone else. These losses will cost them a chance of winning the league.

Arsenal will play against us. Despite one of their players carrying a shotgun and shooting Hazard in the kneecaps in their penalty area, the referee will not award a spot kick. Wenger will gush at how great their side are and moan at us parking the bus. They will beat a side like Bournemouth 4-0 and the media will declare that this is the way football should be played. They will then lose to a minnow in the Champions League and (yet again) a large minority fans will chant, "Wenger Out". They will then win the League Cup and those same fans will be conspicuous by their absence.

Liverpool will have "magnificent nights and atmospheres" in the Europa League as armchair fans watch them sing "You'll Never Walk..." before changing channels to watch Grand Designs. They will draw some team like Genk that they once played in the 1960s in a pre-season friendly and we shall have 23-hour documentaries commemorating this event. There will be no mention of this club causing English sides to be banned from Europe for five years during the 1980s.

Chelsea will begin the season playing brilliant football. We will defeat most sides by two goals or more. The media will call us boring as we like to win games and not concede goals - not realising the hypocrisy of doing so having praised teams like Liverpool and Arsenal for winning games 1-0 and always passing the ball to the goalie for 89 minutes during the 1980s and 1990s. This successful run will occur until we endure some major injuries caused by persistent fouling that referees will (again) ignore. These same fouls would lead to red cards for the opposition on the continent but we will continue to be classed as divers.

We shall win the league, have an excellent run in Europe and fight in every competition. Our closest rivals will be Man City with Arsenal or Man Ure behind.

As for our JCL fans who troll chatsites such as Chelsea Chat...

They will recycle exactly what the media says under the pretence that it is their own original thought. Every Chelsea loss (which will happen one match in twenty) will lead to ritual suicide on the site. Despite (as you can see from the reaction to an overnight loss in a pre-season friendly where we made eight changes for the second half) not attending a match in person. Instead, they will rely on TV, radio and press commentators' thoughts so that they cannot form their own unbiased opinion.

This attitude will legitimise those who criticise our team and shore up the absurd idea that teams playing in red are still a dominant force in the British game. Ruud Gullit > Jamie Redknapp.

Good luck Chelsea!